Missing Momma

by Wanda White Rodriguez on May 3rd, 2014

In honor of our Momma's this month, I"m sharing a friend's thoughts about missing her mother who passed away last Autumn.  I did explain to her, though, that the natural grief cycle is a minimum of a year, so it's too early for her to feel as though she should be "over it".  Jill

A Hole In My Heart!!

It’s been almost 4 months since mom passed. I should be over it by now. I am moving forward and getting affairs in order. I am trying to get back into a routine but I am not “over it,” not by a long shot. I still find myself driving and thinking, “Oh, I need to call mom and tell her this or that.”

I am planning an annual party for early next month and calling it a family get together outwardly but in my home it comes out more like this, “I need to do this for mom’s party and or that for mom’s party.” We always had mom’s party the first weekend in April to celebrate her birthday. It was a fun way to get as many family members together as possible. After much personal debate I decided to have the party this year, and every year here after, in hopes of keeping connections open within the family. It is so easy to get busy with our own lives and lose track of time. Before you know it, weeks, months, years or even decades have slipped by and I don’t want that to happen with our family.  

It is important to me that we stay connected.

Family is the framework that helps shape us into who we will become and it later is the glue that helps hold us together. Good or bad, happy or sad, family is always by your side when you need support, or watching your back in times of trouble or lifting you up when you are too weak to stand on your own. The echoes of emptiness would be so vast without family, their laughter, their chatter, their drama and their joy.

Where do I get this strong sense of family? From my foundation, of course. From my mom who, in her day, always had food out for company and always greeted strangers and family alike with a warm smile. She was a glowing example of putting family first.

It was her time. I know this. I embrace this and I recognize that she is in a better place. That she is with her “honey” and that she feels no pain, no sense of loss, no suffering only joy and peace in the presence of God. I celebrate her journey and I celebrate her life and yet, I ache.  My mom left a hole in my heart. I keep thinking this hole will be mended with time, with business, with activities, with the general busy-ness of life and, of course it is! Not really! It is just being pushed aside, ignored, not dealt with. It is too hard and I don’t have time for any more tears. Sometimes tears can be cleansing and sometimes it can just be a mudslide of swept aside emotions that try to jump on the band wagon while the getting’s good. 

I miss my mom. I miss talking to her, I miss her quirky sayings, habits and mannerisms. I miss spending time with her. I miss her counsel and support. I miss her hugs. I miss her love. I miss helping her and being with her. I miss our lunch dates or trips to the nail salon. I miss taking her to the ocean. I miss her laugh. Let’s just cut to the chase, I miss everything about her.

My mom is gone forever and that is just a fact. The glue I talked about that I like to call family is there to help keep that little tear in my heart from getting any bigger. I thank them for that. The pain will ease. The sadness triggers will lessen but the hole will remain as a constant reminder of my love for her and the great joy, love and guidance she breathed into my life. Gone in body yet with me always in spirit. She now takes up permanent residence in my heart in the very spot it is torn and that tiny tear is there for her always.

I miss you mom. Love, Pixie March 26, 2014

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